Let’s talk about shoes. Other people’s shoes. And empathy.
Actually, let’s start with a story.
Last Wednesday was Canada Day. A friend of mine who lives near a park that puts on a fireworks show every year invited me to come over, crochet, watch the fireworks from her balcony, and then crochet some more (wild, I know).
“Sure!” I said, “I’ll bring the alcohol (swabs)!”
I didn’t actually say that, but I did say I would try and come. For whatever reason, be it medications or temperature or just randomness, I’ve been having really brutal headaches the last few weeks and Canada Day was no exception. For the majority of the day my head hurt too much to move yet I was also too nauseous to sit still. Quite the dilemma. Thankfully, though, by 8 o’clock my meds were working and my TPN was going so I rallied and headed out. And because I have a central line, I really did bring alcohol swabs!
I soon found myself at a roadblock. Literally. Some of the streets were blocked off to keep people from parking where they weren’t supposed to but I had been warned about this. Residents were of course allowed through, and since in past years visitors had been allowed through, too, I rolled down my window, told the police officer that I was going to a friend’s house and gave him the name of her street.
“Sorry,” he said, “we can’t let anyone through without identification and proof of address.”
Bummer, but considering how much effort it takes for me to leave the house I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.
“I understand,” I said, “but I’m not looking for free parking. My friend Lisa really does live at [insert address]. I’m hooked up to an IV here (pointing to central line) and I’m honestly just going to sit on her couch and crochet (pointing to giant ball of yarn).”
But alas, no luck. “Sorry. You can’t get through.”
I sighed and then turned around and headed home, my alcohol swabs unopened and my yarn un-crocheted.
The end.
At first I was disappointed because I was looking forward to a nice evening with my friend. Then I was annoyed for a few minutes. And then my thought process went something like this…I wonder if he would have let me through if I said I was going to knit instead of crochet…maybe I would have had more luck if I had started crying…note to self: learn to cry on demand…perhaps I just look really suspicious and up to no good…that’s probably it, I probably just look really hard core.
And just in case you’re curious, ladies and gentleman, this is apparently what the suspicious-up-to-no-good version of me looks like:
Now if that’s not hard core I don’t know what is.
In all seriousness, though, I couldn’t really be annoyed because the police officer was just doing his job. And even if he had bent the rules before, I decided to put myself in his shoes and think about why he maybe wouldn’t bend them for me. I was able to imagine up at least a dozen reasons to explain the bee in his bonnet. For one, even though he wasn’t wearing a bonnet maybe he really had just been stung by a bee. Maybe he was recently broken up with by someone who crochets. Maybe he was hangry or dehydrated. Hey, maybe he even has undiagnosed POTS and was feeling really sick standing outside in the heat. Or, perhaps he was just bummed out that he had to work on Canada Day.
Who knows, but by the time I got home I wasn’t annoyed anymore and I actually found myself feeling a little sorry for the police officer! Sure, I wasn’t able to end up hanging out with my friend, but he was potentially a recently dumped guy with a chronic illness who was desperate for food and water and had just been stung by a bee. Sounds like a pretty bad day to me. And even if none of that was true, at least I was no longer annoyed!
If anything, I was grateful to be in a good enough mood that the situation didn’t really phase me. Without a doubt, my reactions vary depending on what else is going on in my life. Had I been over-tired that day, I might have unintentionally burst into tears or let him ruin my night. If my own responses can vary so much day to day then of course the responses of other people can, too.
This Canada-Day-Almost-Adventure is a somewhat silly example, but I really do believe in giving other people the benefit of the doubt. It helps me to let go and move on. It keeps me from wasting energy being upset and turning small conflicts into all-consuming grudges. And it lets me save my energy for battles actually worth fighting. A little bit of time in someone else’s shoes often saves me a lot of time stomping around in my own.
So why not try putting ourselves in each other’s shoes now and again? In a perfect world we would always treat everyone with kindness and respect and never let our emotions or personal problems negatively impact the way we interact with each other. But this isn’t a perfect world. Plus we’re humans, not robots. We have unique experiences, fears, dreams, insecurities, and burdens, all of which shape the soles of our shoes. The only way to understand what someone else’s footprint feels like is to have some empathy and spend a little time wearing their shoes.
I’m going to leave you with a little style tip: you can even justify socks and sandals in the name of empathy. It turns out that making an effort to better understand each other trumps any major fashion faux pas.
Check out those toe socks…I don’t know about you, but empathy is looking pretty fun to me!
Finding my Miracle 
Hi Catherine,
Excellent articles!!! You have a gift with the pen…or should I say keyboard? LOL. As an occupational therapist myself it’s always refreshing to hear from the other side of the fence, or in my case the other side of the table. I find that I sometimes get caught up on what my goals for patients should be and not the other way around as well as forget what others have already been through before they see me. I look forward to reading more of your work!!! 🙂
Jeff
Hey Jeff – thanks for stopping by! Obviously I’m biased but kudos on being an OT, and kudos on being interested in what your patients are thinking and feeling on the other side of the fence. The world needs more health care workers like that!
Hey ♡
Just wanted to thank you for telling me I’m doing a good job ♡ I’m not at all feeling well & this very long string of bad health days turning into weeks and even into months and years has me stuck all inside my head in a major way. It seems you understand & so I came to check out your blog & add you since I have a blog here too.
It’s used very sporadically (heh that word always makes me think of Clueless!) and I keep meaning to use it more… but watching a movie on Netflix or distracting myself from the pain with Pinterest seem to keep winning instead. I’m going to try to be better about it though, because you’very reminded me why I wrote it in the first place ♡
Hope we can get to know one another & encourage & empathize which is such an important gift to have. You too are an empathy ♡ I see it in you & thank you for helping me snap out of thinking only of my pain & hurting & frustration.
You’re doing a good job ♡♡♡♡
Sincerely,
Erin ♡
Hi Erin!
What a heartfelt comment – thank you. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough time and that the physical toll is taking an emotional toll, too. It’s so challenging to keep our spirits up when it feels like everywhere we look life is knocking them down. I hope you get back into writing more for no reason other than that it sounds like it’s healing and productive for you! I know what a gift it can be 🙂 I’m looking forward to looking around your blog and reading more from you!
Catherine
Hey hun ♡
How have you been feeling? Hope your pain has been manageable ♡ Have you watched the show Chasing Life yet? I just caught up. You would like it I think 🙂 My email is erinlynnolsen@gmail.com if you’d like to keep in touch & be “spoonie pen pals” 😛 Much love & hope sent your way ♡♡♡♡
I look forward to seeing you write more & thanks so much for the sweet & encouraging comment back 🙂 I saw my Lupus specialist last week & luckily was not told I had to start chemo injections again. Phew! At least not right away. Either way… I’ll take it! Got six trigger point injections that seem to have helped thankfully. Ahhh the life of a chronically ill patient ehh
Hooray for no chemo injections just yet! And yes – the life of a chronically ill patient…not many people would be happy about shots and injections. It’s been a bit crazy around here for the last two weeks. I haven’t been admitted but I’ve been to the hospital on 6 different occasions so once things settle down I’ll get in touch via email 🙂
Hey hun… I’m just seeing these unfortunately. Hope you’re doing okay! About to go check your blog & catch up. Much love & Happy 2016!
Just checking in on you because I came across this & thought about you. I thought I had replied to you but I’m not sure so I wanted to make sure to touch base. How are you hun? What’s something new that’s going on? Found any dashing young suitors yet? 🙂 Hope this finds you well as can be sweetheart.
Catherine, What a joy it was to read this article! I had such a good chuckle! You are a very gifted writer! (I knew that even when you were in Kindergarten!) Your blogs never fail to make me think of how I can be a better person! Well done, and kudos to you!
Oh I just sent you an email! And thank you!
Thank you for this article. It is a good reminder to get out of our own heads or shoes at times. You perfectly and humorously show how having empathy is good for others and good for us. Thanks for the reminder. I also love the article about your doctor telling you that you are doing a good job. Seeing the picture at the bottom with those words and your smiling face peering from behind brought tears to my eyes. We really do not hear that enough.
Thank you for this comment, Lisa! I agree with you – we don’t hear that we are doing a good job often enough. I’ve received an overwhelming (in a good way!) number of comments and messages since publishing that post from people saying that it was just what they needed to hear or that they don’t ever hear it, which only proves that it’s not said enough! Anyway I’m glad it resonated with you 🙂
I love toe socks!
Catherine I sure look forward to your blogs. You are an amazing writer and you sure look at things differently than most of us. I’m always learning from you and you have such a good sense of humour. Lise