Long time no see! Or talk. Or blog. Or whatever. Long time no something. Here’s a pretty photo of what it looked like here recently!
This is definitely the longest I’ve gone without writing a new post since I started this blog three years ago. It’s also the first time I’ve skipped an entire calendar month. Time is kind of foggy for me right now. It feels like it is dragging on forever, the days sometimes unbearably long, yet time also seems to be passing very quickly, and that email I read yesterday and was going to respond to the next day has actually been sitting untouched in my inbox for a week and a half. It’s a little disorienting.
I also composted a pair of socks and put some crackers away in the fridge instead of the cupboard, so clearly it’s not just time that has me mixed up these days.
But anyway, my sources tell me that it’s now the middle of February so there you go. (That sentence used to read “the beginning of February” because when I started writing this it was in fact the beginning of February. See above, re: the passing of time is confusing.)
Things with me are mostly the same as they were at the end of last year. Quite a lot has happened since then, but so far no answers as to what has been going on and why I’ve been so unwell lately. I’m still waiting to follow-up with some people, I’m still waiting on some tests, and I’m also waiting to see some new people who I don’t get to see for another few months.
In the meantime, I’m still humming along and doing my best, but it’s hard. And frustrating. And tiring. Some days I think I’m feeling better, but the truth is that I’m just getting used to this. I’m doing the thing that people with chronic health conditions do when things go downhill and stay down for a while, and I’m adjusting to this reduced level of functioning. I’ve done it before. On the one hand, this adjustment is helpful so that you stop waking up every day thinking why is everything so terrible? On the other hand, it’s discouraging when you look back at where you started and realize just how many adjustments you’ve had to make over the years.
Mostly, though, it has nothing to do with one hand or the other, but rather it’s an “it is what it is” shrug of the shoulders.
On the plus side, when I go to appointments now I don’t have to worry about whether or not anyone will believe that I’m sick because these days I actually look how I feel. As twisted as it might sound, this is actually validating. I’m not thrilled about the growing list of people who have expressed concern for me because of my appearance, recent additions including my pharmacist and the guy who delivers my TPN, but it’s also comforting to know that it’s not just me, that they see it, too.Last time I saw my family doctor we discussed how I wasn’t feeling or looking better, and how it kind of looks like I got punched in the face and am recovering from two black eyes. And then we decided that life is the one who punched me in the face. And then we laughed about it because in a situation like this, what else do you do but laugh?
Anyway, that’s where I’m at.
Now, the real question is, besides laugh about it with your doctor, what do you do when life punches you in the face?
I feel like the answer here is maybe supposed to be punch back? I don’t know, but that sounds like it requires a lot of energy which I don’t have, plus I’ve never really been one for punching. And then there’s that whole an eye for an eye business to watch out for.
So, no punching back. Instead, I’ve chosen content as my one word for the year and I’m putting all of my energy into that. By the way, I mean content as in a state of peaceful happiness, not content as in the contents of something. Content, as in contentment, as in feeling content. It’s also important to note the difference between being content and being complacent. I may be getting used to this, but I’m not complacent about it. I haven’t given up. I haven’t resigned myself to a life of looking like life’s punching bag. Not yet, anyway.
I’m not complacent. I’m just content. Or at least I’m trying to be.
My life looks a lot different than usual these days. I can’t stay awake all day, so I sleep every afternoon. Despite the eternal list of things I want to crochet, I don’t have much energy for actually crocheting, so I’m turning away orders and sometimes letting days go by without picking up my hooks. And being social, even just via social media, has been particularly draining lately, so I’ve got close to one hundred unchecked Facebook notifications from two weeks of mostly avoiding it.
None of this, however, means that I can’t be content. It certainly makes being content more of a challenge, but it doesn’t make it impossible. It’s always harder to feel happy and peaceful when things aren’t going well, but that’s when making the effort matters the most.
So I’m making the effort. I’m making the best of things. I’m letting myself just be still. Even though things are pretty tough right now, I’m still finding moments of contentment every day. It’s not perfect and it won’t be enough forever, but it’s something, and it’s enough for now.
And at the very least, it’s better than an eye for an eye.