Something you may not know about me is that I’m somewhat of a holiday romance movie aficionado. I’m actually pretty stressed right now because there are more holiday movies on the PVR than I will be able to watch in the next month. Now, if you’re an astute person you might be thinking that perhaps I’m not actually stressed about getting through all the movies, but rather that I’m projecting all the stress from the other areas of my life onto the movie situation. If that’s what you’re thinking, well I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
It really is the movies. They keep premiering new ones every year and I still need to watch all of my old favourites plus all of the ones I never got around to watching last year because of this same predicament. How is a girl supposed to keep up?
Anyway. While there are still dozens that I haven’t seen, I’ve watched enough to have a pretty good idea of how falling in love works this time of year. And today is your lucky day because I’ve gathered all of my research and I’m going to share it with you.
First things first. Relationship status.
If you’re single and looking, then you’re in luck, because your chances of being engaged within the next four weeks are pretty high. If you’re single and not interested in being in a relationship, well, change of plans, because your engagement is likely imminent as well.
For those of you who are in a relationship, I don’t know how to tell you this, but according to the movies you’re probably not actually right for each other, it’s just that you can’t see it yet. You will also likely be engaged by the end of the month, but just not to the person you’re currently dating. The only exception, happy relationship folks, is if you get to be the supporting characters in someone else’s December romance. Then you can stay with whomever you’re with now. So you’ll have to work that out amongst each other.
The next thing we need to discuss is setting.
Ideal settings for falling in love this time of year include toy sections of department stores, baking competitions, small Christmas-themed towns, family businesses or the family home you’re back visiting for the holiday. There are others, but these are the most tried and true. You’re in extra luck if the store, business or small Christmas-themed town is on the brink of bankruptcy and about to be bought out by a larger company or put out of business by a big box store. If you’re unsure where to start, I suggest the toy department of Sears.
And of course, you can’t have a romance without another person. So let’s talk about who you should be looking for.
Is there someone you can’t stand? Because chances are that they are actually the love of your life. If they hate the holidays then those chances are even higher, provided you’re prepared to win them over with your own endearing Christmas joy and holiday traditions. What about an old flame? Is there someone you used to be in love with that you have unresolved feelings for?
But don’t fret if those scenarios don’t apply to you. There are plenty of other good options.
You could try the nephew of your beloved boss who is about to retire. Don’t ask me why these successful business people never have their own children to pass their businesses onto; I don’t make the rules. Widowers with young children also make great candidates. No need to worry about how the child will take to you because they will instantly love you which will help soften their parent towards you. Another option is someone socioeconomically better off than you, particularly if they have staunch parents in need of your holiday whimsy. Bonus points if they are royals.
Now, don’t be thrown off if your love interest is in a relationship already, particularly if their current partner is a bit uppity. The same goes for if they have a meddling ex trying to get in your way. While you might think this would be a problem it actually works in your favour and helps highlight what a breath of fresh air you are.
Ah, and let’s not forget the fake relationship turned true love scenario. In this case, you just hastily find someone to pretend to be your date or fiancé. The goal here is to avoid looking bad in front of an ex or being the only one in your family still single. Sometimes even both! There is no technique for picking the right person to be in a pretend relationship with. No matter who you pick, statistics show that by the end of December you will be actually in love and likely engaged. I’m thinking of trying this one this year so just a heads up family, I’ll be bringing my (fake) fiance to Christmas dinner.
Now I will give you some tips for how to keep things on the right track to reach happily ever after by Christmas.
I hope you enjoy snowball fights and ice skating because they are a must, especially skating as it gives you a reason to hold hands with the other person. You also need to pick out a Christmas tree together, but only if you both end up at the tree lot at the same time without planning it beforehand.
Falling off a ladder is also really important. There are a few rules, though. You need to be up only one or two steps of the ladder, and you’re not falling for any other reason other than your love interest is right behind you to catch you. As with ice skating, the goal is physical contact followed by that awkward moment where you really look at each other for the first time.
The safer alternative to falling off a ladder is to end up with food on your face and then be incapable of removing it yourself, leaving the task to your love interest. The end result is the same, the awkward but necessary moment where you first really look at each other. Seeing as I don’t eat food and won’t come across this moment organically, I’ve decided to start carrying around a bottle of ketchup with me at all times to smudge on my face at just the right moment. I was going to go with mustard, but ketchup is a more seasonally appropriate colour and it’s important to take such details into account.
A few final rules for happily ever after.
You cannot discuss the important topics that should be discussed before getting engaged. If you are playing the role of “happily in a relationship supporting character” then you cannot be alarmed that your family member or friend has found love so quickly and is getting married without first discussing said important topics.
There also must be snow. If you live in a place where there is not usually snow on Christmas, fear not, because the moment that you finally share your first kiss on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, it will start to snow. Because meant-to-be trumps meteorology, obviously.
One last thing. There must be music playing at all times.
So you see, it’s really not that complicated to find love before the end of the year.
I look forward to seeing many of you at Sears tomorrow. BYOL – bring your own ladder. Ketchup provided.